Well, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I think I have tried almost every diet there is and some of them are really crazy. I have memories of being in middle school and dieting with my Mom and my sister. Thinking I was soooo fat at the time and wanting to fit in. I look back and think, " Oh, to only be that "fat" again!"
In March of 2009 I decide to try and take control of my weight again and I joined Weight Watcher's. My husband John was very supportive and a friend of mine from work Nora joined with me. I had a lot of success and lost over 25 pounds. I was still "on program" when my husband John was diagnosed with cancer. It was very stressful but I was still going strong. Things got a little tricky when he was in the hospital but I worked really hard to bring my food and not go crazy with cafeteria food. You see, I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, sad, confused, worried, you get the point. I can not relate to those people that don't eat when they are stressed because when I put a piece of chocolate in my mouth I have an instant "relief". The problem is that "high" does not last and I need another and another and another and so on to keep feeling good. So back to my husband. He was in and out of the hospital and I held my own as far as maintaining the weight loss I had attained. I was not losing any more at the time but I was happy with holding my own after awhile (when his cancer diagnosis and prognosis was really bad). He was hospitalized for 6 weeks after a surgery and was finally released from the hospital to go to his sister's wedding. That was around Labor Day 2009. When we got back he started chemo again and due to complications to numerous to go over now, he died within a month. He left his earthly state on October 8, 2009. I guess I did have a few days where I did not want to eat. Where I forgot to eat, but that did not last long. I started finding comfort in food again. I tried to fill the enormous hole and emptiness I felt inside with food. It worked sort of. I would get some temporary relief. I would mask the feelings and try and forget that real issues I was dealing with. So now 9 months later I have gained over 40 pounds since he died. Yes, I lost 25 pounds but now I have gained 40. That is 15 pounds above where I started March 2009. TYPICAL!
I have been wanting to get a handle on my weight but when I was going back to Weight Watcher's and would see the scale go up and up it was just too hard to continue to go. I was not emotionally stable to handle the feelings of failure. But I have been thinking and thinking how I can get back "on the wagon" and be healthier. Besides my weight I am healthy, Dr. Atlas said all my lab work is good. Even my Cholesterol! But I keep getting the feeling that "I am the only parent my kids have left, I have to be healthy". But how do I limit my caloric intake and not feed my emotions and try and lose weight? Am I ready to feel hungry again? I don't think I have been hungry for the last 9 months...my stomach has not been empty at all in that time! But for weeks I have been thinking of a change. I feel horrible about my physical self and that makes it hard for me to be there 100% for my kids. So, I am going to try. I think I am ready to try. The only question is how?
When I think about how I think about Weight Watcher's. It is an excellent program, but I think that right now having so much variety and meal options that I just don't have the time. Especially since I would usually have to cook other things for the kids as well. I think I am going to try Jenny Craig. I know you think "Yuck". But I have heard the food is good...Valarie Bertinelli even says so! But seriously, the idea that it is all there and I don't have to plan too much is freeing to me right now. I feel like I make so many decisions that I have to decide everything with the family. It is just nice to say, "What is in the freezer?" and be eating 5 minutes later. And believe it or not it is one of the few diets that I have not tried!
So tomorrow I have an appointment with Jenny Craig and we will see. I am going out to dinner on Monday night for my parent's anniversary and I am looking forward to that so Tuesday I can start out right! I created this blog to try and help with the emotional part of the diet. To hopefully turn here rather than to the fridge. Let's see how it works!? I have nothing to lose but weight, right?
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